Sunday, November 6, 2011

My Beautiful Heartbreak/ Refiners Fire (Up to this point)

This song so touched my heart and I shed many tears. It was funny because after fast sunday I was ready for bed feeling very lethargic and felt a strong push, prompting to sit down and release my Refiners Fire up to this point:)
So this post is mainly for me to clear, let go and release the fear and pain from these refiners moments in my life and replace in my heart the healing power of my Saviors love and his wisdom to break me down so I can be humbled and built into who He intends for me to become:)
This is my story and my own testimony of my personal experiences that have refined me up to this point in life. How blessed I am.
Matthew and I were married Dec. 8,2001. Shortly after we were married, we were soon to be new parents to our baby boy CharLee. 21 weeks along, I had 3 grand mal seizurs and found I had an astrocytoma tumor in my brain. The doctors gave me the option to operate and we prayed and felt wait. I also remember Matthew saying maybe this is why you have your parents health knowledge. We did not have surgery. CharLee was born C-section and beautiful. So thankful to be a Mother but struggled with not knowing how long I was to be around and so I admit was very smoothering of him and my hubby, who wouldn't be:)
CharLee grew and I remember not even being able to take a breathe without him near. I just treasured every moment. We ended up moving to California for a time and Matthew and I were blessed to live and work at my parents Center. He worked in the office and I worked in the kitchen and taught Yoga (certified in Utah before we moved). While living there I was told CharLee was not as developed in speech and we went through autism assesments for him. They concluded that it was probably a slight form or maybe just a delayed speech. It was hard to think my first little guy might have to deal like this in life and heartbreaking in a way as a mother to have to drop him at therapy at 2, but for some reason I did not feel he would be too limited, but rather very gifted.
We were blessed over the next 5 years but still had our struggles. We moved many times, to California and back to find ourselves hopeful to buy a first home after starting our little Living Art Digital Business together ( we did photo and video). Instead, I found myself back in the hospital. I had developed a growth in my right female tube:) Of which was caused from my IUD dropping out of place and pulling some kind of infection up. Backing up, I was counseled to get an IUD after my head struggles. It was probably one of the most frustrating struggles I have been through. I stayed in the hospital for about 10 days with a fever until we prayed and decided to operate. During this time in the hospital, the doctors weren't sure I would pull out and was told I may not have any more children due to the infection. I remember in the room that day, I felt two little peaceful spirits gently telling me they would come to our family.
A year later after many tears and relief we were blessed to not only buy our first home but to also be expecting our first baby girl, Isabeau Rose Lisonbee. She was born perfectly beautiful and another miracle baby. We had not been able to receive any health insurance for me with all my med past, and we were self employed, and so we had a waiting period until I could be covered. Well, Little Beau must of knew that because I found out I was pregnant with her a week after my insurance became active.
So our beautiful little Beau was born and blessed our life with her vibrant energetic spirit we all love.
Time went by and after the calm came another great refining storm in our life. Beau was only 16 mos when I found out I was expecting another little spirit...our sweet Andilyn. I remember though instead of tears of joy I felt fear. We had just gone through a very tough year with our business and the hope of keeping it and our home were not great. So being very baby ill and fearful...I remember thinking how can I feel this way, watch my hubby frustrated with our income and prepare to leave our home of which we waited 8 years and built for. Why was Heavenly Father taking this away? I will say it was very very very hard. I remember showing our home to young couples that loved the way we designed the home, and being so sick and so down I felt very empty. How could we go on. I began to think of our strong pioneer ancestors who left their homes and we prayed and fasted, and once again relied on Faith and Hope and Trust to carry us through. Just like the time with my Tumor and having CharLee being so scared, being told I may not have any more children, loosing my health again and again, loosing our income and now loosing our home. I will say that as humbling as this was, I know Heavenly Father did not leave our side, he walked right with us. A good friend called us after hearing of our struggles and offered to buy the home so that we might not take such a loss, and He in his charity took the hit for us. My pregnancy went well and I delivered another healthy baby girl on a serene snowy day at AF hospital. Our little Andilyn Snow angel came to our family. I think my Heavenly Father knew I would need her sweet face to look at every day as the next 2 years after her birth would be very emotionally trying. Shortly after she was born I was again broken in a way that I have never felt before. I was informed my Father had an affair with a woman around my same age and an innocent child was born. From that moment on I felt the most real painful empathy for a Mother and mourned my own Father. Why would he betray us? But in time and Heavenly Fathers power and peace I have been experiencing the healing power of the Atonement in my life. I am so grateful for this knowledge I have and was taught by my parents and I will honor them for that. So I now give this to my Healer, my Rock, my Redeemer and Savior and know He is there for us and continues to heal, bless and give miracles every day in my life.
We found a beautiful rental home close by. I remember praying, please Heavenly Father let me feel somewhat at home when I enter. My husband was blessed with employment through my Fathers business and has worked from home the last 2 years. CharLee is now in 4th grade, will not stop talking:) and is going to test into the ALL program, meaning accelerated learning (for very academic kids). I am also just so grateful for his Spirit, he has always been such a good example to me of how to live striving to be good, and he is. When he goes up each month to bear his testimony I am touched by his strong spirit. Beau is also thriving and doing so well...she is very head strong but I think I am finding out she melts with tenderness and lots of love. She is our beautiful little princess. And sweet Andilyn still remains to remind me of why I breathe every day, she does have her feisty moments in the morning, but overall I look at her and my other children and know I can go another day and I have a loving supportive Husband that has held my hand and blessed me all along the way. I know my Heavenly Father lives and loves us, hears us and blesses us with miracles every day. Thank you for my life, my beautiful heartbreaks that hopefully are molding me into who He wants me to become.Oh and I have been blessed to still health is not perfect but my condition still remains to be stable:)In Gods will all things are possible.


Jamie said...

I love you Ash. You have been such an example of strength and humility. All of that and such a great friend. You're such an amazing mother and you truly know what's important. Thank you for this post.

Ann Mitchell said...

Heavenly Father loves his precious Ashley Roses! I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. Our trials make us stronger. It's always great to see you when I am working at the temple. (I am the worker in the 8:00 p.m. session on Fridays for November and December...except Dec 30, when I go to the Tournament of Roses Parade with the American Fork High School Band!)